some jokes

[Mark CSL]

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
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Paddy sees a letter among the mail on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends an hour figuring out how he can pick it up!.
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Paddy shouting frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
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Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A police car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the Garda about all the trees in the road.
Policeman says, "for God’s sake Paddy, it's your air freshener swinging about!"
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An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
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Paddy's in jail. A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the heck you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

Paddy was crying his eyes out, when I asked what was wrong he said his dad had just died. The phone rang, he picked it up and started to cry louder I said what's wrong now, he said that was his sister and she said her dad had died as well.